But other times, my heart is cool. I bob along gently like a balloon on a string. My heart feels lazy and slow, as quiet as a snowfall. This is when my heart is calm.
I stand in Barnes and Noble, reading these words from In My Heart: A Book of Feelings by Jo Witek. I stand here holding my daughter, as my son wanders the store, and I realize that this is how my heart feels right now. This is how my heart always feels when we wander here.
Sometimes we come to Barnes and Noble on a mission to find a specific book, sometimes in search of something new, and most often just to wander. This store is a happy place for us.
Barnes and Noble was there when Troy was little and more interested in playing with the train than finding a new book. It was there for us when he needed the next book in the A Tale Dark and Grimm series and he couldn’t wait even a day. It was there each time he finished a book and needed something new. It was there when he finally decided he was ready to read Harry Potter. And it was there last year when he was struggling and needed a safe place. It has always brought both of us a feeling of peace when we needed it most.
I stand here reading this book, holding my daughter in my arms as my son wanders. And I am filled with gratitude for this store full of books. This safe place. The calm we can always find regardless of the storms raging within. And I am filled with gratitude for all the memories that have occurred within these walls, surrounded by stories.
wrapped around the blue petals.
She saw her reflection
absorbed in the moment.
She continued to smile
at the little girl in the mirror
who smiled back.
Content and happy.
And I silently hoped
this is how it would always be.
That regardless of
the years that pass,
the things that change,
the worries that exist,
she will always see her reflection
and smile at the person
looking back at her.
Content and happy.
Sometimes in an irregular pattern.
But they say that’s normal
for a baby
just learning to be here.
I know I should put her down
and go to sleep, too.
But I continue to listen
to her breaths.
I look at her tiny nose,
her full lips.
Just a little bit longer.
I’ll just hold her
and enjoy this
a little bit longer.
“Can you put the discs for this audio book back in the right pockets? I want to return it after the movie,” I ask my son as I drive to the movie theater.
He grabs the case to do as I ask, but I can sense his disapproval without even looking at him. I wait for him to complain. He just can’t except I’m never going to me the mom that always puts things back where they are supposed to go. Our house will never be in order. I am not June Cleaver, to his constant disappointment.
“Why don’t you just put them back in the right place as you go?” There it is.
“I’m driving when I listen to it. It wouldn’t be safe.”
“You’re the one that wants to drive,” he retorts, not being serious, but needing to give a smart response. “No one said you need to go to work.”
“You’re the one who wants food and shelter,” I respond. Got him. I think. But, I should know better…
“I never said that. I just want WiFi.”
Oh…life with a teenager…
Today’s slice is a throwback to last spring…
The gel was on my tummy. This was the moment we had been waiting for… confirmation that the life growing in my tummy was a boy. There were only boys born in my family for the last twenty three years. This little one was a boy. No doubt!
The technician turned on the big screen and moved the thing to my stomach. A black and white image of the baby popped up on the screen.
We watched in silence.
“Alright, I know what it is. Tell me when you’re ready.”
I looked at Ryan, my husband, he kind of shrugged.
“I’m ready,” I said.
Then we waited. She reached up and hit a switch. Click!
The room lit up in a soft pink… I blinked. I looked around a bit confused… Pink lightbulbs lit the small room…
I’m having a girl?!
He walked straight to the kitchen, pausing only to take off his shoes. I heard the rustling of the plastic bag as he set it on the counter and opened it. He saw the beautiful apple pie that his great grandma had made especially for him.
“Why does Ma always have to flex on people?” (Translation: Why is Ma always showing people up?) he says more to himself than to me. “We know Ma…You can bake. ”
“She’s so cute!” my thirteen year old said as he passed his sister in her bouncer on his way to the couch. “I just feel like I need to keep pointing that out.”
It’s a short slice, but one of my favorite moments from the last few days. I just can’t get enough of how much my kids love each other! And he’s definitely correct – she’s adorable!